Austin

I wanted out of whatever this was. I wanted to go back to my little blue box, but some unseen force kept pulling along through the past. One moment I was standing in a cemetery, the next, I was in an alley, watching a scrawny teenager pick through a garbage can. He turned and looked right through me. Aside from the stench of old food, there was a brininess to the breeze that overtook the stagnant air. 

Adam grabbed what looked like a half-eaten hoagie, giving it a sniff. He could still pass as human, but there were obvious signs. Slightly pointed ears, dark gray taking over the whites of his eyes, the slight glow of his orange irises, even his once smooth forearms looked a little hairier. This must have been at least a year before I met him, but I had no idea he was living like this. 

“Still good,” he growled before furiously scarfing down the sandwich like he hadn’t eaten in days. He smelled like he hadn’t bathed in a while either. Taking another bite, he stepped out of the alley, looking both ways before darting toward the sound of waves crashing. Now that I could see my surroundings in the light of the full moon, I recognized this place. 

Like a fast-moving shadow, Adam dashed in between the street lamps until he was finally on the beach. There was a bonfire in the distance and the sound of a guitar, but Adam stayed in the darkness, sitting in the sand while watching the moon’s reflection on the ocean. I’d never been here at night during a full moon, but it was breathtaking to see. 

“What are you doing?” I asked, sitting next to him. I knew he wasn’t going to answer, but if I didn’t say something, I was gonna pop. “Living like a bum when you have a nice house waiting for you. It might not have been perfect, but it beats eating out of the trash. Dumbshit.”

A car door shut behind us, and I turned toward a police officer holding a flashlight. Adam jumped up and ran to the water before the beams hit him. Why were the police looking for him? 

A couple walked by, and the officer flagged them down. 

“Excuse me, I’m looking for a teenager. Black male, about seventeen, showing signs of lycanthropy. He was last seen in this area.”

“We just got here,” the man said. “We haven’t seen anyone like that, just a werewolf up the beach.”

“Alright, thanks.” He turned off the flashlight and grabbed the radio from his shoulder. “He’s not here, and the lifeguard hasn’t seen him.”

“Ten-four,” came a staticky male voice from the speaker. 

As the officer got back into his car, frantic splashing came from further out in the water. In the moonlight I watched helplessly as Adam struggled to stay on the surface as the rip current pulled him further out.

“Adam!” I shouted, jumping into the turbulent blackness. This was just a vision, but it was so real. He was screaming and choking, and I had to do something. He was the only thing I could touch, so I could pull him out. It was too late though as I swam to where he was. He’d already been pulled under by the larger waves crashing into me. It wasn’t long before I was pulled into the undertow as well. Could I drown in a vision?

I held my breath until I couldn’t anymore, struggling to get to the surface, but no matter what I did, something pulled me further down. This was it. Reflexively I gasped, taking in what I thought was water, but it was air. I was breathing in the ocean somehow. 

Looking around the blackness, I tried to find any sign of Adam. The moonlight was just bright enough to illuminate the area ahead, and I saw him. He was still, lifeless, just buoyant enough not to sink further, but not enough to surface. A large, dark figure several feet below me grew larger, frantically trying to get to the boy. 

The shadow would go up, then sink back down. It would come up again, reaching for Adam, but then it would sink. It doggy-paddled and flailed, but I couldn’t make out what it was until it got closer. The shadow morphed into a huge man with a shark head, a shark tail and a dorsal fin. Despite all that, he couldn’t swim worth a damn.

With a final jump, he grabbed Adam, pulling him along as he seemed to skip along the bottom of the shallower part of the ocean shelf. He was hydrodynamic enough to run like he was on  the surface of the moon, his tail propelling him forward as he finally emerged from the water carrying Adam in his arms. 

He was as big as I was, but he had this wide, sad-looking stare. The shark man wore what looked like a pair of Derrek’s red shorts, and a necklace made from whale bone and driftwood with a seashell in the middle. 

“Oh no, oh no,” he said in a higher-pitched panicked voice as he paced back and forth along the sand. “What do I do, what do I do?” He turned toward the bonfire and the sound of a guitar, then took off toward it like a ghost crab. 

“Derrek, Derrek,” he shouted. He had a strange way of speaking, always repeating himself, his tone alternating between higher pitched and low. 

In the distance, Derrek threw his guitar aside and ran over to examine the commotion. 

“What happened?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know. He was in the water, but he’s not breathing, he’s not breathing.”

“Calm down, Bobby. Lay him on the ground.”

Bobby did as he was told, and Derrek went to work administering CPR. After a few chest compressions, he sealed his mouth around Adam’s, breathing into him. It went on like this for another minute before Adam coughed up a mouthful of water. Derrek turned him on his side, pounding his back to get the last of the fluid from his lungs.

“That was close,” he whispered, checking Adam’s pulse. “It’s a little weak, but I think he’ll be okay.” 

I assumed these visions were Adam’s memories, but he would have never remembered something like this while unconscious. Maybe Derrek wasn’t making this shit up after all.

“Oh good, oh good. I was scared,” Bobby said, holding his hand to his chest. 

Though he terrified the shit out of me, that monster was kinda cute in a weird way. From the sing-songy way he spoke, to his slightly higher pitched voice, he was the opposite of his appearance.

“You saved his life, Bobby. Lucky you were there to find him.” 

Bobby’s face brightened, and he grinned, rows of sharp teeth glistening in the moonlight. “I was out looking for pretty shells, and I saw him and got scared. I got scared. I was going to leave him alone, but he wasn’t moving. He wasn’t moving.”

“Did you swim?”

“I tried. I tried. I ran though. I ran through the water.”

Derrek patted the huge creature on the back. “You tried. That’s what matters. We’ll keep working on it.” He looked down at Adam who was still unconscious. “This is the kid the police were looking for.” Derrek knelt again, slipping a finger behind his slightly pointed ears. “Shit.”

“What’s wrong, what’s wrong?”

“He’s a half-turn.”

“What’s that?”

“He’s gonna turn into a wolf man, like me one day.”

“You mean, people can turn into wolf men?” His eyes went wide and glassy. “Could I…turn into a wolf man? Could I?”

“It doesn’t work like that,” Derrek said, prompting a teary response from Bobby. “You’re perfect just the way you are.”

“I’m useless, I’m useless. What kind of shark can’t swim?”

“The kind of shark I like.” Derrek gave a flirty grin before turning his attention back to Adam. “I don’t have to worry about taking him to the hospital. Whatever damage was done will heal. I don’t want to risk anything until I know why they’re looking for him.”

“Are they like the humans looking for me? They have harpoons!”

“You need to stay away from those boats,” Derrek scolded, “and no, they’re not the same.”

Bobby’s eyes darted from side to side as he heard people talking further up the beach. 

“They’ll see, they’ll see. I need to go.” He turned toward the water, but Derrek wrapped his arms around him from behind. 

“Come to my house tomorrow night.”

“I can’t, I can’t. Family’s been suspicious. Gotta spend the day with the family.”

“Well come back soon, okay?” Derrek kissed the shark man on the nose, and even though it was dark, Bobby’s face seemed to darken like he was blushing. Was it even possible for a shark to do that?

“I will, I will. I promise.” He ran to the ocean before disappearing into the black water. 

This vision was so off-the-wall bizarre that I started to question what I was seeing. Considering what had happened to Adam, I had my doubts this even took place. It could have been brain damage caused by his near-death experience, but I had no way of knowing for sure. I still didn’t understand how or why I was seeing these things in the first place.

Derrek scooped the teenager up off the ground and carried him back to his shack on the beach. 

Night turned to day, and I was inside, watching Adam sleep on Derrek’s oversized bed while the werewolf lay on his hammock, reading a book next to an open window. This place always had a calming effect, but I never allowed myself a moment’s peace whenever Adam and I would visit. There was still a lot of unresolved animosity between me and Derrek, and a lot of it was my fault. 

A groan came from the bed, and Adam slowly sat up, rubbing his eyes. 

“Ugh.”

“Good morning,” Derrek said, licking his index finger before flipping the page of his book. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I was run over. What happened? Who are you?”

“Well let’s see. For some reason you were in the ocean and you nearly drowned. Oh and the police are looking for you.” He looked up at the teenager’s widened expression. “I’m Derrek.”

“Please don’t tell anyone I’m here. I’ll do anything you want.”

“First, tell me why they’re looking for you, then I’ll decide what to do.”

Adam jumped out of the bed and sprinted for the door, prompting Derrek to drop his book and climb out of the hammock. With a few steps, he easily caught the boy, grabbing him by the nape of his neck. 

“Don’t be stupid, kid. You can’t run from a werewolf.”

“Let me go!” 

“How ‘bout you sit back down and start talking?” He dragged Adam to the bed, forcing him onto the mattress. He stood glaring with his arms crossed for a few minutes before the teenager started to speak. 

“I got into a fight.”

I’d forgotten. Those teenagers knew what he was. 

“Did you kill anyone?”

“No!” Adam shook his head. “I broke a few bones though. They had it coming.”

“Well, the law doesn’t see it that way. I don’t have to tell you how fucked you are, considering you’re on the run.” Derrek sighed, sitting on the bed next to Adam. “The only way out of this is to find a kuu mate. Once you do, you’re no longer in the human’s jurisdiction.”

“What the hell’s that?”

“You gotta find a werewolf to shack up with.”

“Fuck that. You guys are gross.”

Derrek laughed. “Boy do I have some bad news for you, kid. You know what you are, right?”

Adam nodded before looking down at the floor. 

“You don’t have a lot of time to be picky, either. You can hide out here until you start showing more signs, then they’ll start to sniff you out. Once you get a piece of paper from a werewolf you like, get your kuu made and I’ll pull some strings with the, uh, Administration of Werewolves to get you out of the human’s database.”

The vision grew hazy until I was in a familiar building. My fur stood up on the back of my neck when I saw myself sitting alone at a table, drinking an entire pitcher of beer. This was The Beastly Booze on Ruskin Street, a place I’d visit often while trying to make myself as numb as possible. 

I remember Adam’s scent catching my nose, and I didn’t have long to make my move. I’d been carrying that stupid resume around for months without any luck. Every time I’d smell a fresh half-turn, I was too late. But that night, I was in the right place at the right time. 

Like an out of body experience, I watched myself leer at the half-turn, now a whole year older and a lot hairier than before. I reached into the pocket of my army fatigues, grabbing a wrinkled, folded sheet of paper before walking up to the popular half-turn. Every werewolf within three blocks was in that bar that night, each one peacocking, trying to outdo the other. It was ridiculous, like watching one of those nature documentaries. 

I remembered what I felt that night, not wanting to be just another animal vying for mating rites. It didn’t really take much to get his attention, the perks of being the biggest werewolf in the bar. He was aroused the moment he laid eyes on me, and I knew I had him. 

“Here,” I said with a grunt, placing the paper in his hand before walking away from the frenzied scene. The bait was set, and there was nothing more I needed to say. All I had to do was wait at my table with an extra pitcher of beer on hand. 

He stared at me and then read my resume. With a smile, he walked over to my table. It was startling how accurate it all was, even insignificant things like what was on tap that night played out vividly. No one would have remembered these details. It was then I had a terrifying revelation.

Was this the afterlife? Had I died and was now being punished?

“You spelled demonstration wrong,” Adam said, sitting across from past me. 

“What is this, a spelling bee? Do you want to hop on my dick or not?”

“You must not want a kuu mate with that attitude.”

“Look at me. Does it look like I’m desperate?” I was such a prick, but I sure knew how to play it cool. The truth was, this entire interaction was a bluff. No one liked me, but I had to make myself look like I was out of reach. The bad boy act worked with the younger, less experienced guys, so Adam was my chance to try it out. “Come on. I can smell how turned on you are.” I grabbed his hand, placing it on my damp crotch. “I bet I’ve got a bigger dick than all the werewolves here.”

Adam huffed and pulled his hand back. “You’re awful.”

I knew I had to dial that back.

“But I can get you off every day. Doesn’t that sound good?”

“How about that demonstration in the back room?”

I stood up from the table and grabbed his hand, pulling him along to the back of the bar. 

The scene disappeared, and all the depression came rushing back as the stained, bare walls of our old, tiny one-room apartment appeared. Adam sat on the couch, fidgeting with his kuu necklace while I watched TV. I wasn’t really watching anything, just staring while pushing back memories triggered by the smell of burnt food from the kitchen. This was the first time Adam used the oven, and I was trying to hold it together while not giving myself away. 

“Are you still mad? I forgot, okay,” Adam said, poking me in the arm. “I’ll just order something.”

My memories of this day were fuzzy, but I had a terrible feeling.

“Austin? Hey!” He shoved my shoulder, and in an instant, my hand wrapped around his neck, pushing him into the sofa. Seeing it second-hand made me want to throw up, and I tried to grab past me by the arm, but as expected, I phased through.

Adam burned a roast which was close to the smell of burning flesh I remembered during the weapons tests in the military. 

“I’m on fire,” I screamed, squeezing Adam’s throat tighter. 

“Please…” Adam squeaked out, and I jerked away, snapping out of the episode. Adam jumped off the sofa and ran to the corner of the room, trembling. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Don’t touch me when I don’t wanna be touched,” I growled out. Though I looked remorseful, I never apologized. It wasn’t Adam’s fault, but I blamed him anyway. I always needed someone to blame, and he was there. 

“What did I do? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to burn the food. Why are you treating me like this?”

“It’s not the food. I—” I ran my fingers through my mane before grabbing a fistful of fur. “The smell…Don’t cook anymore if you’re gonna burn it!”

“I don’t wanna wear this anymore,” Adam said, pulling the chain around his neck up, but the magic made it tighten until he let go. “I’m stuck with you, aren’t I?”

“Until you’re a werewolf, yeah.” Tears welled in Adam’s eyes, which broke my heart, but past me didn’t show any emotion at all. “Listen. If I start to go blank, stay away. And don’t burn food. I can’t handle the smell.”

“Are you gonna tell me what the hell is wrong with you?”

“Military fucked me up, okay? Did all kinds of things to me. You couldn’t even imagine the pain.” I looked up at a terrified Adam. “Don’t. Burn. Food.”

With that threatening tone, Adam tore out of the house, leaving me alone as I turned back to the TV. These memories had always been so hazy, but now I could see myself for what I truly was. These weren’t just visions of the past. I was reliving all of Adam’s trauma, now knowing the role I played in it all. 

“Please, I don’t wanna see anymore,” I cried out, but everything continued as it did. 

The vision of me flew back against the wall as Derrek sent another fist at my face, breaking my jaw with a snap. 

“I didn’t know you were the one he made the kuu with,” Derrek roared, pinning me to the floor. “You ever do that to him again, and I’ll hold your head underwater until you stop moving.”

I’d forgotten this. I was so out of my mind, I couldn’t remember the beating Derrek gave me that day. We were about the same size, but there was no contest in strength. 

He looked over at Adam. “You should stay with me for a few weeks.”

“Wait—” I whined, holding my broken jaw, which would take an hour or so to completely heal. 

“I don’t know what’s happened to you, but you’re not going to take your issues out on him. If you want someone to spar with, I’ll be more than happy to break your face again.”

He and Adam walked out of the apartment leaving me alone in pain on the floor. Derrek never hated anyone, but he hated me. I made sure of that. 

Another day passed in a blink, and I was in bed with Adam. He was drenched in sweat and I was panting, the room filled with the scent of sex. After it was over, we both never looked at one another. He would turn to the wall and I’d stare up at the ceiling. Until then, I had only considered Adam a necessary nuisance. This was never about love, it was a means to an end, but that wasn’t what I saw in Adam’s eyes as tears filled them. 

“Why do you hate me?” he asked, his voice a gentle whisper. 

“You have to give enough of a damn about someone enough to hate them.”

“I just don’t understand. I thought you liked me. We used to talk. What did I do wrong?”

I examined myself closely, watching any facial tick, any outward sign of what I felt inside. When I turned toward the window, that was when I saw it. That first sign of the emotions I’d been hiding. Though I tried to fight back the tears, they came anyway. 

“You didn’t care,” I said. “I tried to tell you, but you didn’t care.”

The moment I said it, I remembered what set this off. Why didn’t that memory play out?

“What are you talking about?”

“You won’t be a half-turn forever, so when this is over, you’ll be free. Use me for sex, but I don’t want anything more from you.”

“Fine. If this is what you want, I don’t care anymore.”

I watched on as Adam drifted to sleep, and the vision of me continued to stare out the window as the sun dipped below the skyline of that awful city. He kept his word, and that was the last time he tried to talk to me.

“As long as you hate me, you’re safe,” I whispered, my eyes half-closed. 

I didn’t remember saying that. 

The vision of me snapped his eyes open, and we both stared at one another. 

“That’s what you felt, right?” The vision was no longer unaware of my presence. “As long as people hate you, they won’t die. But what could you possibly gain from living like that?”

The scene faded, leaving me questioning how often these visions would break the fourth wall. This was no longer a look into what I perceived, but what actually was. I was…talking to myself. That was the real me.

“I should have tried harder to understand you, Austin.” Adam sat on the floor of a black room with his head in his hands. “I should have told my dad I loved him, instead of hanging up on him. I should have owned up to what I did to those bullies instead of running away.”

Instead of a blue box, we were both the only light in what looked like an endless void. Maybe this was the last time I could make amends for what I did. If I really was dead, I wanted to pass this test. I wanted to make it right, if such a thing was still possible.

“Hey,” I said, sitting next to him. “You know you didn’t do anything wrong, right?”

“I didn’t listen. I didn’t care. You tried to tell me, and I didn’t care.”

“It’s not that you didn’t. You couldn’t.” I hesitated at first, but after steeling myself with a deep breath, I slipped my arm around him. He was so warm, which was nice in such a cold place. “Adam…I don’t know how to make this right. I used my past as a crutch to keep myself from hurting anymore, but all I did was hurt myself by hurting you. I never gave you a chance to care, even when I tried to tell you what happened to me. You were eighteen, and I should’ve known better than to dump all of my issues onto a kid. What could you do?”

Adam didn’t look up.

“I’m a terrible person. I resented Art for being the one everyone loves, even you. I resented Derrek for not making the kuu bond with me. I resented Simon because he treated Arthur so much better. And I resent you for putting me through hell. I hate you, and I hate hating you.”

No physical pain I’d ever experienced in my life hurt as much as those words did. 

“It’s okay to hate me. I never made it easy, but you’re not a terrible person. You were thrown into things you shouldn’t have been thrown into. Your dad knew you loved him. I could hear it in his voice when he was talking to you on the phone. Derrek saved your life, and he protected you. He was too old for you to make that kind of bond with him, and I think deep down you knew that. Derrek was more like a big brother to you. Always protecting you.”

“Do you hate me?” Adam asked, wiping his eyes. 

“I never hated you for a moment. Not for one moment, Adam. I swear.”

He wrapped his arms around me, and the vision of him shifted to a full werewolf as he looked into my eyes again. 

“Thank you.” 

The sound of shattering glass filled the room as his image crumbled, and the black room around me turned to blue sky and green, rolling hills. The cool wind blew, and the sun warmed my face. Had I made it to heaven? Had I truly made amends for what I did?

No…

Inside still felt hollow, incomplete. Around me was paradise, but I couldn’t feel joy or peace. There was still something tumultuous happening, but what that was, I couldn’t place. However, something with me had changed. My face was dry, and I didn’t want to go back to my blue box anymore.

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